a year goes by

So a year passes and so much changes..
or does it?

the guy I loved at work, I still have those unresolved feelings for him.  I don't see him much these days because he took a promotion and relocated to another location about an hour or so away.

I still have feelings for him, and I started having dreams about him a few months ago.  The dreams are getting more persistent and I have seeked professional counseling.  It's not helping yet.

I've made this so much worse.  I started dating his brother, his twin brother.  And it wasn't because they are the same (because they aren't really).  They look similar, but their personalities are pretty different.  In fact, his personality is a lot more compatible than the guy at work.

But it's more than that.  We started dating late August of 2011. I got pregnant October 2011.  Yep.  I don't even know how it happened because we took precautions.  I'm not exactly the most fertile either so I chalked it up to fate.

We got married.  Not because we were having a baby, but because we are in love.  Really.  He's great, and I'm really happy with him.  Things aren't perfect, but I know we're good for each other and we make it work.  And I love him.

We have a beautiful child together.  He is an amazing father.  Simply amazing, I couldn't ask for more.

I started having the dreams about my co worker right after I got married.  It started to really bother me about the 4th or 5th dream.  Because the dreams aren't sexual, but they are about us being a couple.

He got engaged to his girlfriend.  I still don't like her, and I think he's better off without her.  But that's selfish of me to think.  It's not my choice what he does with his life, afterall.  But I was mad when they got engaged and that is not fair at all for me to think like that.

I saw him today.  I mean, he's my brother in law now.  In the beginning, when we did things with his parents as a family my former co worker and I barely talked to each other, didn't even make eye contact- yet we used to be so close before!  It really bothered me, but I tried not to let it show.

But if we do things without his parents we talk together a lot more, and it still makes his fiancee jealous.  I really hate calling her that.  *sighs* but I need to accept it because I have my own family now.  And I'm really happy with him, I promise.  I'm just so conflicted in all of this.

And of course I'm not telling my husband any of this- that would just be insane.  And now he's met my family so I can't tell any of them.  Although my mom does know that I used to have a "little thing" for the brother- she doesn't know the extent of it.. or that it is still going on.

I miss the close friendship we once had.  I'm afraid to get it back because I don't know if I can handle my feelings still.  It would be so much easier if I could just put him out of my mind and focus on my new, beautiful family.  But he's part of that family too, and now I have to somehow sort through this tangled web I have weeved.

Encased in Glass

A prized possession encased in glass
admire from afar, do not touch
the pain will subside, the feeling will pass
to him it doesn't mean very much

Your chest is heavy with guilt
Exhausted from storing your thoughts away
Destroying securities you've built
Forever living in shadows of grey

Your eyes yearn to see him, to feel his soul
your lips quiver to feel his gentle kiss
your life is now spinning out of control
because you can't have something that he won't miss

Your hands tremble when you are near
Your body aches to feel his eternal bliss
You want to tell him all of your fears
but you can't have something that he won't miss

The fire in his eyes, it's not for you
The warmth in his voice, it's not for you
No matter what happens in his life
it's not for you, it's not for you

So, little girl, take another shot of whiskey tonight
you've been long forgotten, he's in his world of glass
dawn will break soon and you will see the light
the pain will subside, you'll see.. the feeling will pass

-AP
3 July 2011

Why do I suddenly like him??

I don't understand what is going on with my emotions. I feel like I can't tell anyone the things that are going through my head. I'm an astrologer and I've done research into my transits, progressions, everything, and it just doesn't make sense to me. It was the great philosopher Plato who said that love is a disease. I think I am beginning to heed that warning.

I'm falling for someone that I work with. Naturally, that shouldn't be unusual, and I suppose it isn't. It definitely isn't the first time I have done that before. And I can try to rationalize the reasons all day long, but that still doesn't "solve" my problem. It still doesn't make the feelings go away. After working with him for a year, I develop attraction to him overnight. Literally!

When I first met him I didn't say anything to him really. We worked together a lot and we developed a friendship. We went out to dinner and drinks a couple times. His girlfriend and I even have went out together on other occasions. I thought she had terrible taste in men because he is pretty much everything opposite that I like in a man. Regardless, we are friends, and that makes it good to not have attraction feelings for someone you work with but can still talk to as a friend. *sighs* Until now.

I don't know what to do. My feelings for him have completely crossed the line, and it was totally unintentional. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to get in between that. I have a track record for wanting to be with attached men, but I've learned from that and I never put myself in those situations anymore. I'm so angry at myself for having these feelings for him because I don't want to. I know I deserve to be with someone some day where I can find mutual love, compassion and understanding for each other, but I don't want to feel that way for him. He's my friend, and he has a girlfriend. And we work together.. I wish I knew how this manifested, maybe I could find a way to undo it. Maybe it's a phase, maybe he or I will do something to alter these feelings and I can go about my life normally again.

I feel even more confined about this because I can't talk to anyone. Everyone that I know is affiliated with work somehow, my best friend is in love with me and I feel like that would be a bad idea. That, itself is a whole other situation to deal with. I guess I could tell my sister, but she is young and although I know she'll understand, I don't think her or anyone else for that matter could help me. Maybe it would feel good to tell someone to get some feedback. It's just so hard to keep these feelings and thoughts to myself. I feel like I can't say anything at all and that very thought seems to be gnawing at my spirit.

Maybe it will go away, and with it I'll be able to sleep better. He wants me to come out tomorrow night with his girlfriend and him for drinks. I don't want to ditch out on celebrating something that is going on in her life because of my feelings, but I feel like if I stay away from him it will help me separate my feelings from him.

My feelings are so out of whack right now. How am I going to work through this??

-AP

The Placebo Effect

"Lucy!" the name angrily barked from Mrs. Mancini's mouth. "I'll be down in one second!" the young girl cried in response from her bedroom. She still had an hour before walking to school, although it was the dead of winter in the small Minnesota town. Still, why was her horrid grandmother screaming at her like she was going to be late? As Lucy brushed her long, thick brown hair back into a ponytail she could only imagine what insult would come from the old woman's mouth. Lucy's eyes watered with the thought. She sighed deeply and tried to divert her attention to something more positive and so decided that the sooner she could get some fresh air the better she would be.

Lucy grabbed her backpack and as she turned down the hallway facing the staircase, the fragile looking old woman was standing at the bottom of the staircase, looking up at Lucy with much anger. "You're going to be late for school." She said, the wrinkles in her face crinkled along the corner of her mouth as she sneered. Lucy froze at the staircase, afraid to be face to face with Mrs. Mancini. "Sorry, grandma." She replied quietly, looking away from the evil, judging gaze. "You're not sorry, you filthy whore. And don't call me grandma! I am Mrs. Mancini to you!" the woman growled at the scared, timid 12 year old girl. "Now get out of here before I lose my temper with you!" The old woman turned from the staircase and headed into the kitchen. Lucy quickly ran down the stairs and out the door before her grandmother could say another word. Before Mrs. Mancini could say another word.

The harsh winter air immediately stung Lucy's porcelain face as she rushed out to the sidewalk. Lucy preferred to walk on the street when the snow was so high because the streets were clear and salted as opposed to the sidewalks. Many elderly people lived on the same street as Lucy so it wasn't uncommon for the sidewalks to go uncleared. Lucy had thought about clearing off the neighbor's walks and driveways the first winter when she first came to live with Mrs. Mancini. She had asked eagerly, thinking that there would be nothing wrong with helping out the neighbors and other people that would frequent the quiet street, such as the paperboy or the mailman. However, Mrs. Mancini didn't like the idea at all. Lucy thought that it was because she had suggested it, rather than it be an order barked to her. It wasn't that Lucy had any home responsibilities. In fact, she wasn't allowed to leave her room other than to use the bathroom or eat dinner. Lucy felt as if she were a prisoner. Though, she had to remain greatful. As her mother had told her.

Lucy missed her mom so much. As she walked along the street curb she thought of her mom briefly. Wearing that silly hat last Christmas, Lucy's mom was so pretty. Mysterious hazel eyes and a warm, affectionate smile. Out of that silly hat was the most perfect ringlets of warm auburn hair that Lucy loved so much. She loved her mom and missed her so much. Lucy's last memory of her mom was seeing her walking down the sidewalk out of Mrs. Mancini's house wearing that silly hat. She turned, facing the door and waved at Lucy, with tears in her eyes. Smiling, she still waved, promising that she would come back soon for her precious baby daughter soon. No more than a year she promised. And it would go by so fast because Lucy would make friends in school and Mrs. Mancini would take very good care of her. It all felt so long ago. Christmas was in a week and Lucy hadn't heard anything from her mother.

Lucy stopped walking and let the cold air hit her face some more. This past year had been hell. Lucy had made no friends, because in this small town they did not like outsiders. Luckily she wasn't teased, just ignored. Her dad's mother, Mrs. Mancini was downright awful. If her dad were still alive, Lucy knew he wouldn't allow his daughter to be treated this way, even from his own mother. But of course, that was the problem, and even at age 12 Lucy knew that much. Her dad had been an amazing man, so she was told. Everything she knew of her dad was from her mom and the pictures. When she was 8 months pregnant with Lucy, Lucy's mom had heard some terrible news. Her mother, who was recovering from cancer had taken a sudden turn for the worse. She had told her husband, Lucy's dad about the call she got and they immediately drove to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, a truck had slid on some ice and crossed the median, hitting her parent's car. Lucy's mom didn't remember anything that happened. She woke up in the hospital to hear that her husband had died in the car accident and her mom died the same day too. Due to injuries sustained in the car accident, they had to induce Lucy's mom, as her unborn baby had endured a lot of stress from the impact. The doctor's did not think that Lucy would survive from all of the stress, but miraculously she was a healthy baby. Lucy's mom was so sad by all of the tragedy, but Lucy was her hope, her motivation to keep going. She felt as if Lucy was an angel born to help her through life without her husband and her mom, and she vowed to never, ever lose that hope.

Lucy had a very happy childhood with her mom. She loved to laugh and play with her mom and she felt so happy all of the time. Lucy was surrounded by love and happiness and she had so many friends in school. Lucy's mom would come to school sometimes to help out with events and all of Lucy's classmates would be so happy to see her mom. Lucy felt so special and her mom told her she was that special indeed.

Lucy smiled at that memory. She started walking again, tightening her scarf around her face to keep out the cold. If only she could have friends like she had back at her old home. The kids here were so different. They were mean and purposely go out of their way to ignore her. Lucy's teachers weren't so bad, they ignored her the same. Except for Ms. Fowler.