a year goes by

So a year passes and so much changes..
or does it?

the guy I loved at work, I still have those unresolved feelings for him.  I don't see him much these days because he took a promotion and relocated to another location about an hour or so away.

I still have feelings for him, and I started having dreams about him a few months ago.  The dreams are getting more persistent and I have seeked professional counseling.  It's not helping yet.

I've made this so much worse.  I started dating his brother, his twin brother.  And it wasn't because they are the same (because they aren't really).  They look similar, but their personalities are pretty different.  In fact, his personality is a lot more compatible than the guy at work.

But it's more than that.  We started dating late August of 2011. I got pregnant October 2011.  Yep.  I don't even know how it happened because we took precautions.  I'm not exactly the most fertile either so I chalked it up to fate.

We got married.  Not because we were having a baby, but because we are in love.  Really.  He's great, and I'm really happy with him.  Things aren't perfect, but I know we're good for each other and we make it work.  And I love him.

We have a beautiful child together.  He is an amazing father.  Simply amazing, I couldn't ask for more.

I started having the dreams about my co worker right after I got married.  It started to really bother me about the 4th or 5th dream.  Because the dreams aren't sexual, but they are about us being a couple.

He got engaged to his girlfriend.  I still don't like her, and I think he's better off without her.  But that's selfish of me to think.  It's not my choice what he does with his life, afterall.  But I was mad when they got engaged and that is not fair at all for me to think like that.

I saw him today.  I mean, he's my brother in law now.  In the beginning, when we did things with his parents as a family my former co worker and I barely talked to each other, didn't even make eye contact- yet we used to be so close before!  It really bothered me, but I tried not to let it show.

But if we do things without his parents we talk together a lot more, and it still makes his fiancee jealous.  I really hate calling her that.  *sighs* but I need to accept it because I have my own family now.  And I'm really happy with him, I promise.  I'm just so conflicted in all of this.

And of course I'm not telling my husband any of this- that would just be insane.  And now he's met my family so I can't tell any of them.  Although my mom does know that I used to have a "little thing" for the brother- she doesn't know the extent of it.. or that it is still going on.

I miss the close friendship we once had.  I'm afraid to get it back because I don't know if I can handle my feelings still.  It would be so much easier if I could just put him out of my mind and focus on my new, beautiful family.  But he's part of that family too, and now I have to somehow sort through this tangled web I have weeved.