I don't understand what is going on with my emotions. I feel like I can't tell anyone the things that are going through my head. I'm an astrologer and I've done research into my transits, progressions, everything, and it just doesn't make sense to me. It was the great philosopher Plato who said that love is a disease. I think I am beginning to heed that warning.
I'm falling for someone that I work with. Naturally, that shouldn't be unusual, and I suppose it isn't. It definitely isn't the first time I have done that before. And I can try to rationalize the reasons all day long, but that still doesn't "solve" my problem. It still doesn't make the feelings go away. After working with him for a year, I develop attraction to him overnight. Literally!
When I first met him I didn't say anything to him really. We worked together a lot and we developed a friendship. We went out to dinner and drinks a couple times. His girlfriend and I even have went out together on other occasions. I thought she had terrible taste in men because he is pretty much everything opposite that I like in a man. Regardless, we are friends, and that makes it good to not have attraction feelings for someone you work with but can still talk to as a friend. *sighs* Until now.
I don't know what to do. My feelings for him have completely crossed the line, and it was totally unintentional. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to get in between that. I have a track record for wanting to be with attached men, but I've learned from that and I never put myself in those situations anymore. I'm so angry at myself for having these feelings for him because I don't want to. I know I deserve to be with someone some day where I can find mutual love, compassion and understanding for each other, but I don't want to feel that way for him. He's my friend, and he has a girlfriend. And we work together.. I wish I knew how this manifested, maybe I could find a way to undo it. Maybe it's a phase, maybe he or I will do something to alter these feelings and I can go about my life normally again.
I feel even more confined about this because I can't talk to anyone. Everyone that I know is affiliated with work somehow, my best friend is in love with me and I feel like that would be a bad idea. That, itself is a whole other situation to deal with. I guess I could tell my sister, but she is young and although I know she'll understand, I don't think her or anyone else for that matter could help me. Maybe it would feel good to tell someone to get some feedback. It's just so hard to keep these feelings and thoughts to myself. I feel like I can't say anything at all and that very thought seems to be gnawing at my spirit.
Maybe it will go away, and with it I'll be able to sleep better. He wants me to come out tomorrow night with his girlfriend and him for drinks. I don't want to ditch out on celebrating something that is going on in her life because of my feelings, but I feel like if I stay away from him it will help me separate my feelings from him.
My feelings are so out of whack right now. How am I going to work through this??
-AP
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